The silent weight of loneliness: can we ever escape it?

Loneliness may come in different forms. It can feel like a nagging discomfort, pressing on your heart, always there in the background. It might feel like being lost, with thoughts like, “Nobody cares about me.” Or it may manifest as a crushing weight, pulling you into feelings of depression, leaving you unable to cope or think clearly. Loneliness can be so consuming that even recalling certain places or people associated with it in the past can bring back that same hollow, aching feeling. At its most overwhelming, we may do anything to avoid it.

Denial and distraction

We often neglect or even deny our feelings of loneliness. More commonly, we find ways to distract ourselves from it. This could mean having an extra glass of wine, surrounding ourselves with people, binge eating, watching Netflix, keeping the TV or radio on constantly, working excessively, or spending hours on social media. For some, these distractions might escalate: chasing fame, pornography, sex, drugs, or drinking not just one glass of wine but an entire bottle — or maybe two.

But none of these distractions truly work. They are temporary fixes, like a bandage over a wound that won’t stop bleeding. The loneliness remains, lingering in the background, ready to catch up with you the moment you lower your guard. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s this: you can’t outrun loneliness. You can try — some even to the point of complete self-destruction — but it will always find you. So, is there no way to deal with it? I think there is, but before addressing it, we need to delve into why we experience loneliness in the first place.

The roots of loneliness: is it about other people?

Loneliness is — and isn’t — about other people. We often don’t feel lonely when we’re in warm, fulfilling relationships or when we share common interests with others. However, it’s just as common to feel lonely in the presence of others, whether at work, the gym, social gatherings, or even within our families or marriage. This shows that the mere presence of people in our lives isn’t a reliable measure of loneliness.

When exploring the roots of loneliness, we can distinguish between two key perspectives: the psychological and the spiritual. From a psychological standpoint, loneliness often stems from unmet social needs, feelings of rejection, or a lack of meaningful connections. It’s closely tied to our innate drive for belonging and the emotional impact of being disconnected from others.

In contrast, the spiritual perspective sees loneliness as a deeper existential longing. A sense of disconnection from oneself, the universe, or a higher power. This view suggests that loneliness arises not only from a lack of social connection but also from a yearning for purpose, meaning, or transcendence. But let’s focus on the psychological perspective for now.

The need to be seen and heard

Humans have a fundamental need to be seen and heard. When this need isn’t met, loneliness can take hold. This need may manifest on different levels, from a simple friendly smile during a casual encounter to being deeply understood by someone who sees you for the person you truly are.

Unfulfilled emotional connections — especially at a deeper level — are a significant source of loneliness. For example, when someone sees your inner beauty, your uniqueness, and validates your existence, it fills a core need. Without this recognition every once in a while, we can begin to feel disconnected.

Loneliness and trauma

In my personal experience, early (sexual) childhood trauma often leads to persistent loneliness. Trauma of this nature stems from an extreme violation of being seen or heard by another person, while the need to be acknowledged and validated at a young age is even more important than in adulthood.

When a child experiences abuse or neglect, they often develop a lasting sense of isolation and loneliness. Worse, society may label their subsequent behaviors as “problematic,” which only amplifies their sense of being unseen and unheard. Tragically, some survivors of childhood abuse seek out similar abusive dynamics in adulthood because it’s the only way they’ve learned to feel validated or noticed.

However, I believe that perpetrators themselves often act out of their own feelings of loneliness, unfortunately placing their needs above the needs of others. This destructive cycle highlights how deeply loneliness can shape human behavior.

Disconnecting from ourselves

Loneliness doesn’t necessarily come from external factors. From a spiritual perspective, it arises because we’ve disconnected from our own core selves. When people lose touch with their essence or connection to something higher than themselves, they may start to feel lonely. Other factors may also play a role. For example, if someone engages in behavior that conflicts with their core values — like stealing despite having a strong moral compass — they may begin to feel ashamed. This shame creates a barrier, preventing them from connecting with others authentically. This disconnection can spiral further.

In Vedic philosophy, it’s said that humans have strayed from their true essence, their inner being. Teachers, yogis, and sages emphasize that focusing inward allows us to experience peace and transcend loneliness. In this state of unity with oneself, loneliness simply cannot exist.

Facing loneliness

So, can we get rid of loneliness? I’m not sure. But I do believe that the only meaningful way to address it is to turn inward and confront it. Rather than running from loneliness or numbing it, we can start by simply allowing it to exist. Observing the feeling without judgment, tolerating the discomfort, and being present with it can create space for change.

This process is not easy, especially for those with a history of trauma. It may take guidance, time, and support to feel comfortable sitting with these emotions. However, as I’ve learned from my own experience, the grip of loneliness can loosen over time. It may fade bit by bit, leaving room for behaviors and choices that aren’t rooted in avoiding the pain.

What can help? Different approaches work for different people. Practices like mindfulness, acceptance-based therapies, or reflective meditation can support the process of connecting with yourself. Exploring these methods may reveal deeper truths about ourselves, such as struggles with forming fulfilling relationships or unaddressed emotional wounds. These insights can be challenging, but they also open the door to personal growth.

Moving Forward

Loneliness is a deeply human experience, shaped by unfulfilled needs and the disconnection from ourselves and others. While it may never disappear completely, understanding its roots and allowing space to sit with it can transform the way it affects us.

By facing loneliness and reconnecting with ourselves, we create room for meaningful connections — with others, and more importantly, with who we truly are.